Lunch

Today I asked my dad to have lunch along with my hubby, my mom and my sister. I couldn't recall the last time I saw him. It was a long time ago. Maybe it was at mom's... I guess. I took my dad to a lunch at my favourite restaurant, ordered many many many delicious Indonesian meals. Then I took him for a shopping, bought him a few things so he could elevate his look. We ended the day by having an afternoon coffee and I bought my favourite custard doughnuts for him.

To me, this is a lot. I'm overwhelmed with this feeling of..... being so relieved.

My parents got legally divorced four years ago, at the same time when I broke up with my now husband. But to me, they have technically divorced like fifteen years ago, when I was around ten years old. My parents had a massive problem and they didn't make it together through the thunderstorm. My memory with my parents ended in the year of 2000. My memory with my mom and my dad continued until today, but not with my parents. You see the difference here?

Growing up with adults who were always busy arguing and fighting was very tiring. The whole family members were hurt, my dad, my mom, my sister, and me. My parents were hurting each other constantly, every day. I was not sure what happened back then but now as I am married, I began to understand the complicated situation in my own language. I don't have trauma with the idea of marriage at all, but I have problem with anger and controlling my emotions. 

Long story short, I was the one who accompanied my parents at the court, along with a few of my aunts from my mom's side. I remember when the judge told me to go out of the room because daughters must not be included in the process. I was happy, somehow, to see my parents being separated legally. Because living in a house with no love was a pain, a very painful pain as you can imagine. As a daughter, I have endured so much disappointments, sadness, and anger, and I couldn't tell my parents about it because they were the source of the negativity. It might seem so selfish of me to write this, but it's true. My mom and my dad, as individuals, they are very supportive with me. My mom taught me to be strong and independent, my dad taught me professional manners and introduced me to The Beatles' songs, which I couldn't thank him enough. But they were just very toxic to each other, which lead to unhappiness all around. There were no love and trust as a family. I hated my dad for his wrong doings and was so tired to even start a convo with him. 

I let this feeling settled in me, the hatred somehow started to vanish and being switched with many 'I no longer care'. I thought it ended there. I thought that's it, that's the end of my dad's chapter. But as I didn't see my dad so much this year, I began to feel sorry for him. I felt sorry for myself, because I have passed through so much disappointments, but I felt even more sorry for my dad, life must have been so hard on him that he decided to show not the best version of himself, to his own family. I am not saying that my dad is 100% wrong and my mom is 100% right, they are just very toxic to each other.

I had been thinking of him quite a few times, but I was so reluctant to invite him for lunch, because he usually declined. Until a few days ago, I told my sister about this idea and he said yes immediately. Then today we had lunch together as a family, no hatred, no negativity, we were just being present and enjoy the moment.

It took me years to heal myself, to finally feel this way, like having no grudge towards my mom or my dad because they are just.... humans. Life must have been very hard on them and it's my job to heal myself. I feel so relieved. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I am so grateful to be able to feel this. Alhamdulillah.

Cried over a Macbook

I just bought a new Macbook last Thursday. A brand new Macbook. Cash. This is my third day using my Macbook and I'm a bit emotional actually. 

My parents got broke when I was 10, we lost our home, our three cars, we moved into my grandma's house. Things went downhill from that moment and we never really recovered. I remember questioning my mom, why didn't I have a birthday party like my sister when she was at my age? My mom went silent, she didn't answer me, I was crying. Now I understand the situation quite a lot. I didn't have the same birthday party because we were broke. I couldn't imagine my mom's feeling at that very moment. I must have broken her heart for the millionth times.

I didn't have my own computer or laptop until I was in college. Somehow I survived school using computers at warnet or simply borrowing my friend's computer whenever we are working on a group homework. I grew up understanding that my family was broke and I must not ask anything that my parents couldn't afford. I thought everyone at school was so rich, simply because I really knew that we had nothing. Yet, my mom always told us not to feel inferior because we were poor, nor feeling jealous for other's flashy stuff that they were wearing. This is probably the best life lesson that my mom has taught us.

I remember I needed my own laptop because the homework in college was endless and having my own computer was essential, because everything was printed or submitted as PDF. I've tried working on homework using computers at warnet close to my uni, but it was so tiring. Because I ended up working for hours and my grandma's house is really far from uni, so I had to take the train and angkot. I asked my mom for a laptop and she said she will ask my dad for it. At this time, my parents were separated. Legally they were still together, but we were not living in the same roof. My dad used to live at my uncle's. Long story short, I understand that my dad must have tried all his best to buy a laptop for me, but it wasn't enough. I remember using a few different laptops, switching one to another, because my dad took it away, saying that he needed the laptop for his work. I didn't understand what was actually happening, but all I know is that I had multiple disappointments and it was so hard to get a laptop for myself. One time I was using an old laptop and I had a photo to be printed and submitted to the uni's photography community. At that very moment, the laptop died and I couldn't save the photo. So I cancelled my submission. Heart broken.

My sister started working so early in her career journey, so she did so much help for our family. I finally got my own personal laptop, an Acer, my sister helped to buy this laptop with instalment. It was probably one of the best days because I finally had my own laptop. I never joined my uni friends' convo on facebook before, because I didn't have a laptop. I began discovering deviantart, tumblr and blogs after I started using my laptop. It was a life changing moment, I discovered so many things on the internet (I used the uni's wifi, I arrived 4 hours prior to class so I can use the wifi to browse on blogs and tumblrs). 

Then I graduated with the help of my Acer laptop, in 2010. I started working immediately because of our financial situation. My parents never asked me to help them financially, but knowing that money was basically the main problem, I wanted to start working the soonest as I graduated. I started making my own money by working as a store supervisor at Pull and Bear at Grand Indonesia, for only one month. I then started my career in advertising agency called Ogilvy & Mather. I joined their public relation sister company, they accepted me in their fresh new team to handle digital PR clients. One of the reasons why they accepted my job application was because I had a blog. My seemly nothing to see blog apparently gave a benefit to my career. From that moment, I try not to see what I did as something small. Everything that I do, that we do, has a connection to the future. Connecting the dots, said Steve Jobs. 

I switched career every now and then simply because I felt like I didn't fit in the company. I got bored easily. At the same time, I started selling clothes, designed by me. Selling clothes felt like a miracle, the income that I got from my clothing line helped me so much, like 500% much better than what I made from working in the agency. I didn't regret working in agency at all, because it taught me so much about the ethics of working and professionalism. My financial situation was gradually getting better. 

Since money has always been the main problem in my family, so I was exposed with financial planning probably earlier than my friends or people in the same age of mine. I read so many articles about personal finance, one of them is from QM Financial. The articles gave me a new goal, to have a saving at least six times of my monthly expenses. When I was 22, I clearly understand what I had to fix first, my personal financial situation. The more I read articles, the more I knew what I should do at the soonest. 

It was not easy and I have passed so many difficulties including being broke when I resigned from Ogilvy and tried to be a full time entrepreneur. I didn't want to be a burden to my family but I didn't have money as well. I had to throw away my dream of being a fashion entrepreneur and fix what was in front of my eyes: Make money. I sent a lot of emails to agencies, asking for a job. Until suddenly a startup invited me for a job interview and accepted me as their communication team. I adjusted my goal and my vision from that time, I had to have a solid saving, whatever happened. I switched my Acer to a secondhand Macbook because I needed something faster to work with. I saved 50% of my salary, started taking illustration requests and accepting blogging sponsors to increase my saving. It was bloody hard.

Things finally start to get better since I fix my financial problem by working double jobs. A startup job and an all-over-the-place job. Illustrating and hosting workshops were some of my extra sources of income. If you think that my workshops are just a hobby, it's a yes for today. But it used to help me paying my bills back in 2013. 

Having to experience financial difficulties really taught me so many things. From thinking twice before spending my money on anything, to really think how can I improve my skill in handling myself, my desire of buying things, now that I can afford them.

So, seeing my brand new Macbook right now, it isn't only reminding me of the things that I can achieve, that I can do with it, but also reminding me of my long journey of hard work. Every now and then I sometimes cried when opening a package from my clients, or a PR package in general. Because I couldn't afford them back then. I'm sorry for sounding too emotional, but it is a lot to take in. I never regret passing through so much disappointments, because it enables me to appreciate what life has given me. God is so kind. Dinda, always count your blessings.

Morning

Spent two days in Cisarua with my husband's family. It was quite refreshing and unusual. It was my first time spending a quick getaway with the family and I must say that it was unusual, in a very good way. My family, my small family of dad, mom, my sister and me, we are far from the idea of a family holiday. Probably the last time we went for a holiday outside of Jakarta is when I was 7 or 8, or even much more before that. My big family from my mom's side is also similar, we don't do group holiday like what I just had with my husband's family. In my family, there's a lot of family drama. There's always a bit of spices here and there. But my husband's family is different. They are very simple and not complicated like my family. Well at least that's what I felt. Everyone gathered in the common room to have Magrib prayer, followed by a calming (and religious) talk. It's something that I never experienced in my family. I couldn't remember the moment when I pray with my mom and my dad altogether. It was just never happened in my family. So I'm really glad that I get to experience this with my husband's family, I feel really blessed.

In the morning, I walked around the villa with my husband. It was beautiful, the mountain was  beautifully blue that morning. The air was so clean and fresh. I love spending time with my husband by just talking and joking around. Here are some flowers I found around the villa. These beauties wouldn't grow in Jakarta simply because the weather is too hot in the capital city. Which I envy much.