Friday, December 27, 2019

Lunch

Today I asked my dad to have lunch along with my hubby, my mom and my sister. I couldn't recall the last time I saw him. It was a long time ago. Maybe it was at mom's... I guess. I took my dad to a lunch at my favourite restaurant, ordered many many many delicious Indonesian meals. Then I took him for a shopping, bought him a few things so he could elevate his look. We ended the day by having an afternoon coffee and I bought my favourite custard doughnuts for him.

To me, this is a lot. I'm overwhelmed with this feeling of..... being so relieved.

My parents got legally divorced four years ago, at the same time when I broke up with my now husband. But to me, they have technically divorced like fifteen years ago, when I was around ten years old. My parents had a massive problem and they didn't make it together through the thunderstorm. My memory with my parents ended in the year of 2000. My memory with my mom and my dad continued until today, but not with my parents. You see the difference here?

Growing up with adults who were always busy arguing and fighting was very tiring. The whole family members were hurt, my dad, my mom, my sister, and me. My parents were hurting each other constantly, every day. I was not sure what happened back then but now as I am married, I began to understand the complicated situation in my own language. I don't have trauma with the idea of marriage at all, but I have problem with anger and controlling my emotions. 

Long story short, I was the one who accompanied my parents at the court, along with a few of my aunts from my mom's side. I remember when the judge told me to go out of the room because daughters must not be included in the process. I was happy, somehow, to see my parents being separated legally. Because living in a house with no love was a pain, a very painful pain as you can imagine. As a daughter, I have endured so much disappointments, sadness, and anger, and I couldn't tell my parents about it because they were the source of the negativity. It might seem so selfish of me to write this, but it's true. My mom and my dad, as individuals, they are very supportive with me. My mom taught me to be strong and independent, my dad taught me professional manners and introduced me to The Beatles' songs, which I couldn't thank him enough. But they were just very toxic to each other, which lead to unhappiness all around. There were no love and trust as a family. I hated my dad for his wrong doings and was so tired to even start a convo with him. 

I let this feeling settled in me, the hatred somehow started to vanish and being switched with many 'I no longer care'. I thought it ended there. I thought that's it, that's the end of my dad's chapter. But as I didn't see my dad so much this year, I began to feel sorry for him. I felt sorry for myself, because I have passed through so much disappointments, but I felt even more sorry for my dad, life must have been so hard on him that he decided to show not the best version of himself, to his own family. I am not saying that my dad is 100% wrong and my mom is 100% right, they are just very toxic to each other.

I had been thinking of him quite a few times, but I was so reluctant to invite him for lunch, because he usually declined. Until a few days ago, I told my sister about this idea and he said yes immediately. Then today we had lunch together as a family, no hatred, no negativity, we were just being present and enjoy the moment.

It took me years to heal myself, to finally feel this way, like having no grudge towards my mom or my dad because they are just.... humans. Life must have been very hard on them and it's my job to heal myself. I feel so relieved. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I am so grateful to be able to feel this. Alhamdulillah.

New Home

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