Personal

I now understand the main reason why I stopped blogging is not because I stopped writing. It's because my writing is getting too deep, to personal to share in this blog. As my healing journey (I now hate this term) continues, my writing is getting even deeper and I don't feel like sharing it to the public. I still write but it stays in my phone's Notes app. 

I might share a few here, let's see.

Lost (Part 1)

The last two weeks has been emotionally heavy for me. It's so heavy that I needed to vent out on this blog.

Basically there are three main events happened. I got sick for more than a week, my cousin who is a sister at heart to me passed away and BIGBANG released their single, Still Life. I'm a type of person who internalized a lot of things. You may call MBTI as a source that I must not trust but f, it helps me to define myself better. I'm an INSJ and it's so crowded in my head. In a normal life, I'm mentally tired because I can't seem to stop thinking about things. Not to mention that I passed a few major events in life.......

I got sick on Monday the 21st. It was rather weird. I spent the weekend, both Saturday and Sunday, outside. It's something peculiar because my husband and I usually only spend one day going out. We just couldn't afford going out all weekend in our 30s. On Saturday we had early lunch at his office, along with his teammates. On Sunday, we went for lunch with my Mom and went to my favorite plant shop in Ragunan. I recall that it was a hot day, a really hot day. Then on Monday I woke up with the worse sore throat ever. During this pandemic, I zoomed in every little pain that I felt on me. I put a magnifying glass on every little thing that felt uncomfortable on my body. So when it's a sore throat, my guards were so high I took 5 antigen test and 1 PCR on the following days to make sure that I was negative from the pandemic sickness. Apparently I was negative, it was JUST a sore throat, nothing more, but it cost me my energy because I felt lethargic for ten days.... Crazy.

Move back a little to 10th of March, I texted my cousin, I sent her an old photo of us with our moms. I told her that she looked very pretty in the picture. She replied and she asked me about the land that I bought. I didn't reply. I didn't reply her earlier messages asking about the land either. I don't know why but I didn't. Fast forward to March 23rd, I received a phone call from my sister, telling me that our cousin was sick. I was like 'huh?? for real??' and I proceeded to text our cousin and replied her last question about the land. The following minutes after that felt surreal. My sister calling me back and told me that Kak Ia, our cousin, passed away just a few hours earlier. 

Huh?? For reall?? No.

Huh???

Receiving a news about the loved ones passing, was never easy. It was like shocked, disbelieve, shocked again, questioning, and never accepting, at least for the first two to three days. 

Kak Ia, whose actual name is Dina, was my cousin. She was 10 years older than me, her birthday is in June and this April should be her 15th wedding anniversary with her loving husband. When my family was in bankruptcy around 20 years ago, I moved to my grandma's house where Kak Ia was also living in, along with her mom and her brother. Because of that, I have many memories about her and with her. She wasn't like a cousin to me, she's a big sister that I really look up to. In my family, there's a lot of cases where the Dads were not in the picture. So we daughters were like trying to look up to an inspiring mentor, which in my case, the person is Kak Ia, my cousin. Throughout my life, Kak Ia had always been motivating me to thrive for the better. She was always asking me 'what next', she listened to my stories and my plans and she lift me up higher by elaborating my plans with her big sister advices, which I really needed. To me, I wouldn't be who I am today if she wasn't in my life. 

Shades of Blue

Today is the 24th day of October, I probably will always remember this exact date because it was one of my best friend's birthday. We met in university and somehow we connected easily as she was very kind and easy to talk to. I couldn't remember the first time I actually met her but I remember we had a lot of memories, along with my other close friends. She was a good friend of mine, she was also a good friend to a lot of people. I claimed her as my best friend, other people did too. But I didn't feel any kind of friendship jealousy or anything because she was full of kindness that she shared with a lot of people. Everyone got a piece of her kindness. She wasn't that person who is full of sunshine and butterflies, no. She had a lot of emotions that she presented as well, which what made her human to me. I spent a lot of time with her in university, a lot of fun times. I revisited an album on Facebook which was full of our pictures. We went to a car free day in Thamrin, the very early car free day, I couldn't remember which year was it, 2008? 2009? It was just the two of us, there was no car, no street vendors, nobody else on the street except us. We took a lot of pictures. We really had so much fun. She even laid down on the road exactly in front of McDonald's Thamrin and I took a photo of her. I entitled that photo as La La Land and I submitted the photo to the uni's photography contest and I won!

Days with her were full of laughter and fun. She was so genuine that if she disliked something, she must have told her objections and the reason behind her thoughts. Some of the things that reminds me of her are the color blue, Pocari Sweat, glasses, curly hair, stripe shirt, and the song You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift and Bruises by Chairlift that we used to sing out loud. 

She was a go getter, if she wanted something, she'd learn and made analytics on how to do it effectively. She loved books. The last one that she recommend me was Atomic Habits, she said the book was really good and I must have liked it. And I did.

Soon as we graduated from uni, we kind of separated because of our life path were no longer crossing. I was given a responsibility to start my own career, be responsible as a young adult and make my own money. I grew up in a very chaotic family, so life to me was really rough. I was busy with work, not only to make money but also to distract me from the chaotic and stressful family situation that I was in. My early 20s were messy and bumpy. I had to time to cry nor processing my thoughts or emotion. I was not poor poor, I had roof above my head, I have my parents and my sister at home. But you know, the deepest trauma sometimes came from things that usually looks okay from the outside.

So again, as I was trying to fill up my days with work, she still asked me to go out and hang out with our friends. I mostly declined and said no, maybe next time, which I rarely did because I practically was working from Monday to Sunday. She used to ask me to hang out spontaneously, but as my schedule was packed so I impromptu plans didn't sit well with me. As days and months went by, she eventually stopped asking me to hang out, because she also had work and maybe disappointed in me too. If I looked on Facebook, there were a lot of pictures of her and my uni friends after we graduated, but I wasn't in the pictures because of the reasons above.

We crossed path a few times and still maintaining a good friendship even though time have separated us. We didn't meet as much but each time we talked, it was good and meaningful conversation. It's that kind of friend that you can share so many things and just continue the stories even though you haven't met in a year or so.

Lala, that was her name and October 24th was her birthday. Last year, she gave birth to a baby boy on her birthday, October 24th. So today should have been Lala's 33rd birthday and Adhan's 1st birthday. But Lala had complications and passed away on November 2nd, a day after my birthday. To me it's too tragic and sad to tell and write about. 

I still remember in the morning of November 2nd, I got a whatsapp from a friend telling that I should join a zoom call to pray for Lala. It was hazy and confusing. Lala who was healthy and happy and just became a mother, was laying helplessly on the hospital bed. I was watching from my computer screen, in a zoom call. I can still recall the moments during the zoom call and how it went better for an hour and Lala was gone shortly after. It was really hard for everyone. It was the saddest day that I've experienced.

I didn't have any last words with her, it was really hard. I remember that my cousin once told me about how she was dealing with her father's death who was miles away from her. Just talk to an empty chair, tell how you feel and your hope for them, basically pour your heart out and have the closing conversation as if the person is in front of you. So I did.

I did the conversation on November 3rd, on my way back home after visiting Lala at their home. I was driving and I had a 'conversation' with her. It was heavy but it helped me even for a tiny bit. I also watched a TEDx video about how to deal with grief. I found the explanations are very helpful. The person who passed away might physically not here with us, but try to remember the memories and values and continue their legacy. Talk about the good memories with and about them, that's how we continue life and keep them alive in our hearts.

Today, almost a year after she passed, literally not a single day passed by without tiny reminder about her. The color blue, the bus that she told me about, a can of Pocari Sweat, glasses, stripe shirt, Taylor Swift's song, journaling, and the other small but sentimental things that I never thought would have reminded me of her. 

Lala, you will always be in my heart. Thank you for being such a good friend to me, thank you for all the memories that we have shared. I love you.

November 2018

A failed to be continued draft from November 29th 2018

Today I went to Citra Pariwara as one of the speakers! OMG. So Citra Pariwara is one of the biggest and prestigious events in the advertising industry. As someone who used to work in advertising agency, of course I am familiar with this event but I have never been there before today. Last year I saw my friend, Diela Maharanie, was one of the speakers in Citra Pariwara. I remember seeing an Instagram Story of her sharing her experience in making the heart sticker for Instagram. Then I told my husband exactly "Babe I would love to be one of the speakers in Citra Pariwara. But who am I anyway?" followed by my own laugh. A year later, Citra Pariwara asked me to be one of the speakers for their 

28/12/2018

This was written in December 28th 2018

Just got home from a short trip to Bandung with hubby. It was pretty refreshing, because we had plenty of laid back time at outdoor restaurants. Bandung's weather was pretty lovely during our stay, we totally had a pleasant stay this time.

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HIGHLIGHTS

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STAY

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We stayed at Tama Boutique Hotel, at Pasir Kaliki area. Hubby booked this hotel without telling me anything. I'm not disappointed but I actually had a few hotels that I desired in my mind. Tama Boutique Hotel is right above Born Ga. The receptionist is at the 6th floor, so you go straight up to check in. The hotel is pretty nice, the room is very spacey, I like the whole experience of staying there. They serve two kinds of breakfast, American and Korean. You can have breakfast at the cafetaria or room service. The first morning, we had breakfast at the cafetaria. It was served at 8 AM, based on our booking. Seems like there's a schedule for the guests who are planning to have breakfast at the cafetaria as the area is not that big. The second morning we had our breakfast in our room. I tried both American and Korean breakfast, both could be improved. The chicken and beef from the Korean breakfast are very tasty, but having rice for breakfast isn't my thing. The American breakfast needs an improvement for sure. I only like the french fries and the omelette. The sausages were cold as if they were cooked an hour before they served the breakfast.

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EAT

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On the first night, we had dinner for Born Ga because it was just too hard to skip as Born Ga is located at the first floor of our hotel. It was probably our 3rd dinner at Born Ga and we tend to order excessive amount of food, I wonder why. We of course had the korean BBQ with all the side dishes and salad. For this, I'm a big fan of Born Ga. We also ordered Japchae because I really wanted to eat Japchae that night. It was delicious, but not as tasty as I thought it would be. The portion is too much for two persons and it was pretty expensive (Rp 140.000-ish for one portion of Japchae). We ended up eating only half portion of the Japchae.

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DRAWING + COFFEE

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a

 

14/6/2019

This was written on June 14th 2019 and I failed to continue and published it.

This morning I woke up much earlier than usual. It always gives me such a happy and positive vibe whenever I wake up an hour or two earlier than I usually do. Even though I do understand this and really keen for this — so much, but I always wake up too late than I would love to.

Last night I booked a flight to Melbourne. I’ll go there next month, mid July, alone. The reason I want to go there is I want to visit this market called Finders and Keepers. It’s an art and craft (and all things beautiful) that I’ve been admiring since almost a decade ago. I grew up financially unstable, so to be having to book a flight to Melbourne, to visit this market, is pretty much a wild idea to my brain.

I wasn’t planning to have another abroad trip this mid year, because me and my hubby have spent a week in Tokyo last spring. I was just scrolling on Instagram and found out that this market is actually happening in Brisbane on June and will be in Melbourne on July. The market itself doesn’t happen all year long. If I was not wrong, they do it only twice a year, summer and winter (July is a cold month down there), in Brisbane, Melbourne, and Sydney. Then I randomly asked my hubby to go to Melbourne, because I’ve always wanted to go to Melbourne anyway. Back then when I was just starting my blog in 2008, I was so obsessed with the seemed-to-be-dreamy-life of Etsy, Frankie magazine, and Finders and Keepers market. I really love how they seemed so creative, which translated into their creations. So to be visiting Melbourne has been one of my dreams for almost a decade. Back to my conversation with my hubby, he then asked me why don’t I just go there myself. He understands that it has been a dream of mine for so long and it’s impossible for him to go (to ask for another leave permit from the office) — He convinced me to go.

So the decision is in my hand.

Financial wise, I do have some cash for this dream trip. I have been saving up constantly since 2014 (yes, I didn’t have any saving before that). My saving always go to travel and concert expenses, because I do save up my money for these two (and a property much later, fingers crossing). That’s the thing about making money and saving up. If you make money, make sure you do save up for the personal emergency fund, which for me, the target was 12 x monthly expenses. If you do have collected the personal emergency fund, then you can have another saving and spend it on the things you love — this is my logic hahaha. I will share more about this personal emergency fund later, when I feel like writing in detail, which I can’t promise when.

I asked my hubby again, whether he was serious about me going without him. He assured me that Melbourne won’t be any more challenging than Tokyo, because I’ve spent a few times alone in Tokyo, because they speak in English anyway. True. Then he also mentioned that Melbourne is one of the most liveable cities in the world for seven years in a row, according to The Economist. So there isn’t anything that I should be worried about. Also, the venue that the market will take place is in the CBD area, so it’s easier for a first timer like me.

Okay, I really wanted to go, but I’m still a bit hesitant. I’m hesitant because it will be my first time to go to Melbourne and more importantly I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend, to have an expense for myself. Becasue sometimes traveling feels like a huge expenses, not an investment.

I asked Diana and she told me the same thing as what my hubby said. Just go, when you have the chance, there’s nothing holding me back. I asked Sanya, one of my closest friends, she repeated what Diana was saying. Basically everyone told me to just go, but myself.

For a week, I kept on checking the cheapest ticket that I could find. Not thatI can’t afford the higher fare, again, I just don’t really have the heart to spend my money, that came as result from my hard work. But again, I try to remember that we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves, right? So then I booked the flight,  July 9th.

It’s the thing about making money. It happens many times before. I saved up for the dream designer bag that I’ve been wanting to have for years, but when I have the money fully collected, I just don’t want to spend it. I like the joy of just saving up but I rarely spend on things that I was saving for on the first place. But oh boy, when it comes to food, I don’t think twice to spend my money. It just vanishes. Lol.

22/6/19

This was written on June 22nd 2019 and I failed to continue and post it.

This evening I heard a monologue on Instagram, an interesting one. It's a woman sobbing and saying sorry to her mom for not being a good daughter yet, but her mom has passed away. This got me thinking, have I been a good daughter to my mom? Certainly not, could've been better, must have been improved.

But if my mom passed away, will I be having a regret for not being able to make her happy and being a good daughter? If yes, how can I improve it and what has been stopping me from improving? A quick answer to this question is.. I know that I could've improved my relationship with my Mom, but I'm quite happy with what we are having right now.

My mom is all bubbly and funny, and open-minded with everyone, but she's very overprotective to her daughters, me and my older sister. I'm not going to talk about our past, but we have been through so much pain back then. I mentioned a few times that I grew up with a lot of challenges, mentally and financially. 

27/12/19

This was written on 27th December 2019 and I somehow didn't publish this post.

2020 feels like a great year already. Why?

We have moved to a new house with better air circulation and a lot of direct sun light around the house. This has proven as the best medicine of my year end sickness that used to happen every year.
I have healed myself from the disappointments and anger from my childhood and I am ready to start a better relationship with my dad and my mom.

31/5/2020

This was supposed to be published on May 31st last year.

I have to put my feelings into writing.

Tomorrow will be my 80th day of quarantine. I still go out occasionally, to the supermarket, to my studio (at the apartment) a few times, to the printing shop, to the plant nursery, but the majority of my out of home activities have been cut off since March 13th.

How do I feel about this situation? At first I was confused and had a lot of anxiety. I read too much news about the pandemic and some of my live drawing and workshop jobs were cancelled last minute. I didn't know what to do. I have three people in my team, one works from home, two works at the studio a few days in a week. With heavy consideration, I have to adjust everything, including the salary. It's not an easy decision for me, like I myself still learn on how to manage a team, let alone facing this pandemic while also trying to manage a business, during crisis as how media says it. Usually I have my schedules filled for the next 3 months. Now, I still have some job requests but the number is totally decreasing.

I took quite some time to think, to make myself feel better, to make sure my family is safe, to plan how I should adjust my business during this critical times. On the first few weeks since we started the quarantine, I had no problem of staying at home, because I love staying at home since forever. But I kinda miss the outside world, like looking at buildings from afar when I drive, the sunset sky in the afternoon, the less busy streets at night, all those beauty that I've taken for granted. So I drove around the city, I stayed in the car, I was just roaming around looking for nothing. Just wanted to feel 'alive'. I came back home feeling really sad. I saw so many empty taxi queueing and waiting for passengers that will never come, empty and eery streets made me feel so anxious. I on the other hand felt grateful, because even though I have so many jobs that were cancelled, but I can stay at home and feel safe. While other people really depends on normal city activities and this pandemic really hit them hard.

I spent the first few weeks distracting myself from the news. I normally cook at home, but this quarantine has taken me to the next level, I cooked a lot of time consuming meals like rendang, opor and boba. I baked so many cakes and sent most of them to my mom because I just love baking but I'm not really a fan of eating the cakes. I asked my team to work from home, I felt like terrible because I didn't share task lists to my team as much as how I normally would. I tried to forgive myself for not feeling like the best version of me, not as productive, not as communicative as how I usually would, but I have to accept it because that's the only way we can take during that time.

As we entered the second month of quarantine, I started to get the hang of it. Still not as productive, that's ok, but I tried to see my days as an extra time, a long pause to catch up with myself. I reminded myself that I asked for this. In the beginning of 2020, I told myself that I wanted a long pause from work. I questioned myself if I still love what I'm doing or whether I should stop doing live drawing because honestly had enough of live drawing. It's fun and all, but also is very very very tiring. And in just two months since I wrote about it in my 2020 journal, my wishes came true. My live drawings were cancelled, my events were cleared out of my schedules, and I finally have this long break that I'm been longing for. 

To say that I'm sad and felt terrible about this pandemic, yes I am, but the majority of myself felt so grateful and I couldn't stop thinking how Allah answered my prayers and my doubts in the weirdest way possible.

Last year I also talked with Diana on how I wanted to be more focused in Studio, like managing my shop, on being entrepreneur. Diana said that 2020 should be my studio's year, which I agreed and took it seriously. Again, things happened in the weirdest way possible, during this pandemic, I basically have more time for Studio and I released a lettering kit that I have planned since last October. God knows why it took such forever for me to start selling it. It became a hit, omg, I have never delivered so many packages in a day like last week! My team helped me producing the products and making content for the social media, while I'm the one checking and packing each orders. It's tiring but I feel so happy!

Rocky Trail

I’m currently listening to Kings of Convenience’s new song, Rocky Trail, for the hundredth time only God knows. The melody is so vibrant but soft, sweet and innocent like an ice cream vanilla with small bit of crunchy colorful toppings that are just slightly sweet. Listening to the song is like opening a box of memories that has been kept inside my head, that I probably have forgotten about. To hear a new song from Kings of Convenience in this hard time is like getting a fresh water and a place to shade under, in the middle of a long walk at the desert. The first time I listened to it, it warms my heart. Now that I’ve listened to it on loop all day long, I googled the lyrics and all I know, my eyes are wet.

The song is just beautiful, it hits me right on my soft spot that I keep so deep in me and don’t really show to many people.

The way I interpret the song, it starts with a kind of encouragement. 

Brave enough to go traveling around the world

Without money to eat or sleep for

I really love these lines. For a person who loves to go out and see the world, it connects with me. My wanderer soul is always thirsty for an adventure. A silent adventure because I really love exploring and experiencing things alone. I love to immerse myself in the moment, like it’s just me and the world in front of me. I love paying attention to the very little detail around me, like the old Japanese lady who were standing in front of me in a station in Tokyo, who was wearing a beautiful velvet emerald green coat and a dark brown leather boots. I remember the smallest little details.

The song continues into this even more beautiful lines.

Seeing what you can do with your hands and feet

I feel there is no question about it

Almost anything you can imagine

Almost any goal

You will get there

It’s like a reminder of hope, which is what we all need to plant in our hearts. We are all born perfect as who we are, we can do so many amazing things with just our hands and feet. We can create so many beautiful things with our hands. We can walk to the furthest destination with our feet. If we have the will to do it. The lines are like reminding me to keep on going, no rush, no pressure, but you will get there eventually if you choose to do something with your own will.

This song is like a journey. It starts with hope and in the middle of the melodies, the lyrics somehow changes into what the title is all about, rocky trail. And this is where it feels like having a stranger who knocks my chained heart that only a few people understand without I have to explain myself to make everything seems valid.

Maybe you could have told me

There was a world on your shoulders that needed lifting

Maybe I could have helped you with that

The weight is not easy I know

But you never know

This is where I didn't expect my own reaction to this song.

Healing the wounds on my soul is a journey. It’s never been easier, I’m the one who’s stronger and equipped with more understanding and knowledge about the whole situation that I am in. Growing up in a household full of anger and negative emotion was very confusing. Now that I’m out of the unfortunate situation, I can start to see, mark the dots, try to understand with my own facts, learn from it, take notes, move back to my present life and remind myself that I am ok, I am safe and my feelings are valid. I am the one who can give myself comfort because we are born perfect into this world, we were just kind of lost along the way and thought that we needed validations and go through a very challenging journey. 

Last November (2020), I discovered a psychologist’s channel on Youtube who changed my life completely for the better. When I watched the first video from her channel, I remember feeling like finding the answer to all of my doubts in life. I have always questioned myself, whether I’m actually normal or am I a mean human being? A few hours into discovering her channel, I feel like finally have someone who understands me completely without having to explain myself, the situation that I am in, the problems that I’m encountering, everything that makes me second guessing myself. It feels like she was just sitting there and she understands me. And by having someone who understands me like that it feels like the weight had been lifted from my back. The heavy baggage that I’ve been carrying through all my life for decades, finally lifted up just because I found this psychologist’s channel, who doesn’t even know that I’m exist in this world. I cried like I never did before. I felt so relieved. I never expected to even experience that moment because I thought life was just very challenging. 

And this song, it’s just like that. It’s like the whole experience that I had in November last year. November is my birth month. Last year, I felt like I was born again just by understanding the whole situation that I am in.

I thought your shoes were good

I thought they would take you to the end of any road

I thought your back was strong

But I should have carried you to the top of the rocky trail

Carried you to the top of the rocky trail

I should have carried you to the top of the rocky trail

I’m glad that I have the small circle of loving husband and best friends in my life. From the Oprah’s book that I’m currently reading, the best cure to mental wound is by having a good relationship with the people who are close to you at heart. In my current state of life, my spouse and my best friend are the best cure to my wounds. I also understand that we are the one who holds the key into happiness and the opposite, sadness. But we are also responsible in taking care of ourselves physically and mentally. I'm learning that I must always believe in myself, believe my facts and not second guessing myself. I'm responsible in helping myself to go out into a better life. And for that destination, I'm giving myself hope and allow myself to take my time. I will get there.

#208

Currently listening to Secrets by One Republic, one of my favorite songs of all time.

Today I took this instax out of its box. It's a very pretty instax, a brand new one, in glacier blue as the catalog says. I've been collecting instax for the past few years. I travel with my instax instead of my digital camera because instax film has this nostalgic mood that is perfect for my visual diary. 

Talking about One Republic, I used to only like their songs, not a fan, until I went to their concert in Singapore in 2018. It was so random. I was in Singapore for a few days, because I needed a quick break from work. I was alone had no plan but to go to the library@orchard to read and find inspiration. It was my second day in the city when I felt like going to a festival or any kind of music events. I googled and apparently One Republic was on schedule the next day. It was an impromptu decision, I booked a ticket for one and expected nothing. Going to concerts or festivals alone is not a new thing to me, it's actually my thing. The next day, I arrived at the venue and went straight in. It was at The Star Theatre, so the seating arrangement is escalating up and everyone had a good view of the performer. The venue was perfect for One Republic's cello intro, it was amazing. Ryan Tedder's voice is excellent. I turned into a huge fan of them just in a few hours. It was one of the best live performance I've ever seen

It's true that good things come to those who least expected. One should also try new things every now and then!